smiling underneath

but you know me, you know...and, smiling, you nod
tonight in front of your strange castle,
and you nod to your horse in the drenched forest,
and you nod to your sleep to your harsh clutter of straw,
and think about me, and smile.
and maybe,
maybe some day you will come back from the war,


and take a walk with me some evening,
and somebody will talk about longwy, luttich, dammerkirch,
and smile gravely, and everything will be as before,
and no one will speak a word of his worry,
of his worry and tenderness by night in the field,
of his love.
and with a single joke
you will frighten away the worry, the war, the uneasy nights,

the summer lightning of shy human friendship,
into the cool past that will never come back.

-hesse

I didn't know that we could break a silver lining

hummingbirds are daredevils
in freefall

I want to be a raven and do barrel rolls on the world's windy sighs

or be an eagle and just watch, suspended in time.


I met a lost girl visiting from Israel and took her to the beach
and had a nice conversation about life with her
turned a stranger into an acquaintance with a few kind words

I began to descend into the canyon but the guardians rattled and shook me to the bone

I always thought that we'd be more than friends
I always thought that we were different.

I lost my mind a quiet morning
it flew away in its bubble capsule
shiny oil rainbows swirling wetly over the
water window


the only thing that could wake me up
is someone screwing my brains out

or taking a piece of me

everything dances

a swarm of gnats

many thousand glittering motes
crowd forward greedily together
in trembling circles.
extravagantly carousing away
for a whole hour rapidly vanishing,
they rave, delirious, a shrill whir,
shivering with joy against death.
while kingdoms, sunk into ruin,
whose thrones, heavy with gold, instantly scattered
into night and legend, without leaving a trace,
have never known so fierce a dancing.

--hermann hesse

heart hurt

I am cloaked in gray
slick space against skin
I am a cloud, a dandelion puff
my black sticky boots soggy with rain
my umbrella is broken
blown back by belligerent breezes
inside I am soft, warm
cradling my feeble light safe inside
while wicked black & white worlds weep
I float in gray alone.
solace safe in solitude

if it snowed in egypt most would ask
what is this shit and where is it coming from
but I hope that some
would stop asking questions
and just dance forever
into the flakefall

we're too young in the morning.

in the morning there's a million names to choose from.

paper thoughts

I am writing a paper. I'm sitting in my fuzzy dressing gown, staring blankly out the window of the nerd box. there is no one in the quad, and I feel like the only one awake. it is, after all, 5 am. I don't know what to write. the stupid little line is flashing, blinking angrily.

I hate blank screens. so daunting. I always have to start writing on paper. typing is too easy, it's too easy to just drag the mouse, erase everything, and start over. but is anything ever really deleted? can you just forget? it's emblazoned across the page in big black letters. you are responsible for this catastrophe. your fingers, for a moment, held down those keys, put those keys in locks and turned them this way and that, unlocking the sequence of your life. even if no one else remembers, doesn't the fact that you do matter?

hyperbolism aside, there's too much possibility in a blank page. you're in a wind tunnel, and all you want to do is close a window or two so you can plant your feet on something solid, anchor yourself.

and that stupid little line keeps flashing.

the beginning of better things.

this is where I live. at 5:40 in the morning.

so here we are.

I found a recipe for red velvet cheesecake. happiness.