enjoy the ride

Dear life (or to whom it may concern),

Sometimes I have mixed feelings about you. There are times when you've battered and bruised me, misled and used me.

But this isn't one of those times. And even during those times, something special happens. I become stronger through the beatings I take. So even if I bitch and whine, don't take it personally. I'll try not to do it so much in the future.

Anyways, I just wanted to take a quick second to say thanks. You have been so, so good to me the past two weeks, and it's made me (re)realize that things can always turn around. I am a stronger, more confident woman than I have ever been, and I'm really coming into my own--partially thanks to everything you've thrown at me, whether I've fallen or risen to the occasion.

You've taught me a lot, but I still recognize that I have a lot to learn, and I can't wait for the next chapter you have in store for me.

Thanks again.

With love,

Lynne

no dress rehearsal: this is our life (a jumble of thoughts)

and what have you got to show for it?



"I love it when people laugh about things that only they think are funny. It's such a gift to be able to entertain yourself, crack yourself up--to have that sort of sense of humor. Never lose that."



It's kind of funny how we trust sleep. It's something so innate in all of us. For me, the amount of time I sleep for often evades me. Sometimes I have those days where I feel like I've slept for seconds, and it turns out I've slept for a whole night, other times I feel like I've slept for days and it's only been a few hours. Either way, at some point we lose consciousness of time's passage, which is something that I find interesting.

It all goes with the whole time is relative thing.

Our lives tick away, but we can have respite from the insanity that life is. Without it we don't survive. Everyone has to take a break every once in a while.



I never understood what people meant by the falling dream, but I definitely had one the other day where I physically felt like I was falling, and I woke up with the sensation that I had just been dropping through the sky, my heart still pounding. I've had falling dreams before, but they've never actually woken me up with a jolt like that.

Dreams are another subject entirely, I suppose.



And what if you go to sleep and never wake up? Or someone breaks into your house? Someone attacks you? I have often been roused from sleep by pranksters. In sleep we are so vulnerable.

I think sleep, and dreams, are going to be a new sort-of-preoccupation of mine to tackle. Now that I've shelved time, it's about time (haha) that I pondered something different.



I'm patching it all up, I think. Thinking about patches, too.

tell her that I just can't go on

I am working on the accessibility thing, and so far things are looking good. I am reminded more and more every day how much I love people, and how extraordinary we all are.

Yesterday--or was it the day before? the days are blending together--I was walking to the village in the morning to scout out Christmas shopping prospects. One thing I really love is eating fruit while I'm walking - I always feel awkward when I'm walking and not doing anything with my hands (hush, you dirty-minded people) so I like bringing along things to eat. And this is the season for my favorite, favorite, favorite fruit: satsumas, or clementines.

These were the best ones I'd ever had. As I let each little droplet-shaped pulp-let of fruit break on my teeth, the flavor permeating my entire mouth, I smiled. Because in that moment, I was blissfully happy. Just walking, eating oranges, nothing to do. No rush.

It's funny how happiness works. For me, it comes in waves, little spikes of it throughout the day. When I leave the computer at work to get a cup of coffee and inhale the rich smell, when a stranger smiles at me, when I stop to pet a cat or to watch a hummingbird flit around, when I see something funny and I chuckle to myself. When I break a banana into perfect thirds, when I can peel an orange and the peel is one big spirally piece of amazing citrus-y smelling wrap. Little things, little piques of joy, the extra oomph to your step that you get every once in a while when you snap out of the reverie of things. When you stop to take a deep breath in, when you look at the sky and marvel at the clouds. Sometimes it's something so small, too...but the effect it has on you can be bigger than you ever imagined.

So my advice? Let the little things get (through) to you.

up up and away

There are times in my life where songs can describe what I'm feeling a lot better than I can. Someone else found a better way to say it. So I'm sorry about all the lyric-y posts. I'm going to try to revert back to my old ways & be a little more original in my expression.


I've had a weird month. Certain things that happened in my personal life really shook my self-confidence to the bone. Not a first for me, but definitely the most serious occurrence of its type in my short lifetime. One of the darkest times I've experienced so far. I hate to term myself dark and twisty, but that's pretty much what it was. A dark and twisty time.

Thanks to a few special people, I got through it though, and things are looking up.

I think this break will afford me a lot of space and time to get better. I have people back at school who I know can support me. Being home, though, will definitely be nice, especially seeing all of those amazing people who I haven't seen in so long. I've been thinking a lot about the people who I really do appreciate in my life, and the fact that I don't get to spend as much time with them as I'd like, so acting on that will be nice, healing, and healthy. Not to mention there's the physical getting away from everything in combination with that.

I've come to realize that as a person, I'm not the most accessible. I have a pretty oddball sense of humor. I'm also pretty mellow. A lot of people cast me as stand-offish when I first meet them. I guess I'm just not the easiest person to get to know--I don't exactly wear my heart on my sleeve and there are a lot of things I won't really talk about unless I'm asked.

So I think that's going to be my resolution for this new year. Be more accessible. I want school to feel like home. I have a few really close friends, of course, and they are amazing, but they're also out living their lives. The rest are basically acquaintances. I want to pull some of those acquaintances into the friend circle. I feel like somehow I got stuck when I got to school. I'm going to try and find my corner, my niche. Evolutionary biology style, squeezing into that little space that's left for me, with a weird shaped beak with all my buddies who are eating the same kind of bug.

That was weird. But you get the idea, right?

I love the people I already have, but I also love getting to know people better. So I'm gonna try to do a little more of that. :)

this bouquet.

got a garden of songs
where I grow all my thoughts
wish I could harvest one or two
for some small talk
seems like I'm always starving for words
whenever you're around
nothing on my tongue
and so much in the ground
nothing on my tongue
and so much in the ground











see the little song bird
unable to make a sound
you'd never know she follows
her words from town to town
we both have gardens of songs
and maybe its okay
that I am speechless
cause I picked you this bouquet
yup, sure am speechless
but I picked you this bouquet

arguru

necklaces
fuzzy blankets
sitting in the kitchen
tall torso, small legs
in the neighborhood
pink streets
trees
vitamin water and teas
tremors
peeling photographs
birdbathing
puddle-ing
strangers' smiles, souvenirs
6:21
aquarian goddesses
lanky trees
madeleine
seaweed sensations
everything is crazy.
you just have to be okay with it
time is irrelevant
what you do with it, is


only the healthy, happy, wholesome, handsome, hopeful, humorous, high-velocity should seek these experiences. this elitism is totally self-determined. unless you are self-confident, self-directed, self-selected, please abstain.

perennial

the movement is growing. I think I'm going to keep all of the used ones. only one survived...the rest must have been washed out by the rain. sad, sad.

it is so strange that this one, little, rather insignificant thing that I am doing seems so much more fulfilling than anything I have done in an incredibly long time. something that, in the grand scheme of things, won't even be recognized.

I suppose that's what makes it a beautiful, fulfilling thing, though.

"art is why I get up in the morning. but my definition ends there...you know, it doesn't seem fair that I'm living for something I can't even define..."