Wednesday, January 20, 2010

photographs just capture ghosts.



memories...

"I was standing in kinetic field, wearing blue tights and a white and rainbow top. I had white flowers in my hair. in the middle of kaskade or groove armada. there was some space in front of me and the next row of people, and you came out of the crowd. we immediately made eye contact and I felt a really intense connection with you. you understood, and you came over to me and kissed me on the cheek, then disappeared back into the crowd. I wish I had asked you your name..."








all which isn't singing is mere talking
and all talking's talking to oneself
...
all is merely talk which isn't singing
and all talking's to oneself alone

but the very song of(as mountains
feel and lovers)singing is silence

-e e cummings


We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot's in the door.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been, but I know where I want to go.

I'm in LA for the day. I find it strange that you can hop a train and be in another place, just for a day, then hop a train back. The hours are short. I came home mostly to spend a few precious moments with my siblings. They miss me, and look up to me. I have mixed feelings - it's almost bittersweet.



-----Email Message-----
I bought an extra ticket to a concert with the hope of finding someone
to go with. I found her. It was our first date. Exactly one year later
we got engaged.



It's cloudy and gray. This weather always makes me want to cuddle.

I could launch into a talk about relationships, but I won't. I don't really have my thoughts sorted out enough in that arena to have a coherent dissertation on it.

What I can talk about is how I have been, which is good. I haven't been writing much, again, but that is actually from a lack of non-specific things to talk about. I could talk about certain people and happenings in my life, but I promised myself that this blog would be theoretical, hypothetical, and non-people-specific. Hence I haven't had too much to say.

After all, you don't have big philosophical revelations every day, now do you?



-----Email Message-----
I know it's a typo, but I really love the idea of buying a heroine on Venice Beach.

I've still got sand in my shoes, but I've almost gotten used to it, and it's slowly seeping out the cracks. Something I've been wondering about is why I got so hurt this last time around. Maybe it was the drawn-out nature of things, maybe it was something to do with me, maybe it was the fact that the person in question didn't even realize how much they hurt me. Either way, it took me by surprise, or maybe it didn't and that's why it was so bad.

"It hurts less if you don't see it coming."

Anyways, I am happily moved on and rebuilding. Accessibility is going well, as are the other resolutions, and I am feeling good about a lot of things.


-----Email Message-----
I should have been a better daughter. And a better sister. But maybe it's not too late?


My parents have always been at the root of a lot of my personal insecurities. Without their drivel I would be a lot more at peace with myself, and, frankly, a lot more confident. They really do take me down several notches. It's quite terrible, really, and I tend to get pretty ferocious defending my honor and explaining that they are really destroying my confidence.

Over the years, however, I have gotten much more impervious to them. I recognize that it is good to have that questioning force in your life, the one that makes you doubt yourself just a little so that you can evaluate your decisions at that time instead of looking back down the road and realizing that you really fucked up. I've gotten a lot better at sorting through the bullshit, taking what I can from it, and not letting the rest get to me and get me down.

It may be terrible, but being away from their destructive force has been really good for me. I am more confident in myself than I have ever been.

The past two years have strengthened me in so many ways, and I am thankful for that.


In the end, despite some tribulations, I am happy, healthy, and hopeful.



I hope that serves relatively well as a general update on my life. I'll try to be more present in the future.

Love. <3

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

on sex

I'm so sorry! I have been terribly, terribly absent. Remember when I told you that I went in phases? Well this phase isn't much of a writing phase. It should be, really, because one of my resolutions was to better record the year of two-thousand-and-ten as it happens. Apparently my brain took that resolution to mean recording in photographs, when in fact it probably should be a mix of the two.


Anyhow, my resolutions. I should probably write them out, no? And then I have a bit of explaining to do.

  1. Surf at least once a week once I have my surfboard here, and do ab exercises and stretches every morning.
  2. Get good grades and actually do my schoolwork. (I'm not a total delinquent but there is certainly room for improvement).
  3. Meet someone new every week and make an effort to really get to know them, and everyone I'm already friends with, better.
  4. Be mostly-celibate.
  5. Drink more water.



This is going to get personal, so if you don't want the dirty details of my life, you might want to skip over this section.

Now I need to explain number 4 a little better. I like sex as much as (if not more than?) the next girl, and I am nowhere near about to give it up entirely. However, I want there to be conditions on the sex that I am having, and be having sex under certain specific circumstances.

Let me explain.

Over winter break, and over the past year, really, I've started to treat sex rather casually. Not to say that I've been having copious amounts of it, because I really haven't. I'm a pretty monogamous creature, I always, always, always use protection, and I can count my partners on one hand. After I lost my virginity, I was really set on only having sex with guys who were my boyfriend. I wanted to keep it that special sort of thing.

I feel like eventually, however, everyone sort of gets over that. A friend once said that "it takes a while after you lose your virginity to have meaningless sex," and it's definitely true. I feel like I've gotten to that point.


The problem is, I don't want to be at that point. I want it to be something special. And especially lately--maybe it's just the guys or maybe it's something that's changed about me, but I started to feel like an object. Like the guy in question who I was getting with was only talking to me because he wanted to have sex with me.

Now I know that wasn't necessarily true, but I can't change the way I feel about the whole thing. I don't like feeling like an object. I know my worth, and if we're going by the golden rule I deserve to be treated pretty well, the way I've treated others in my past relationships.

I don't like settling.

So I decided to do something about it. I've decided that I can still kiss boys, but I won't be having any sort of sex with them unless I know that they really care about me, and want to be with me for me before they want to be with me for my body or whatever it is that they're after. I'm only going to be having sex with a boy who has earned it and who actually gives a shit about me.

Besides, sex is distracting, and complicated, and it tends to fuck a lot of things up.


Apart from that, my resolutions are pretty straightforward, and my life has been really great. Nothing like a good holiday season to cheer you up.

I hope the feeling carries through the rest of this quarter, and I hope the celibacy lasts longer than the 3 days it usually does when I try it out.

I am determined to be optimistic.

Firmly resolved and ever yours.