One hundred bite-sized portions of my endless drivel that I launch into cyberspace in the hopes that they make sense to someone. Not all of them published, not all of them meant for the public eye, but they are all here at this one, cohesive location in the vast strange figurative mess of the internet.
Partially for me to sort out my thoughts, and to ponder those things that you can't ponder in idle 40 second conversation when you bump into someone at Panda Express in Price Center or when you've put on autopilot and are sipping coffee on the way to your 9 am class. The kinds of things that you may not really have someone to talk to about them at the moment, so you have to be satisfied with typing them out and figuring it out on your own.
But really, it does help. And I hope that it gives a little insight into who I am. Like a little slice of me. I'm glad if I can entertain someone out there.
Now that I have reached one hundred posts, and it's been such a significant period of time since we began...I figure it's time to do a little reflection.
There are many reasons why I call this blog under the bridge. Really though, two of them are more significant than others.
One, because it is one of my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers songs. This song means the world to me, and speaks on so many different levels. Primarily about Los Angeles, a city that will always have a very, very special place in my heart and that I am extremely attached to. I drive through her streets 'cause she's my companion. I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am. She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy...
It's also about hitting rock bottom, about being forced to go it alone, about being left with no one but yourself. It's about looking back at that time and remembering, but also about picking yourself up off the ground, dusting yourself off, and trucking along. Even if it's just you and the city.
At least I have her love, the city she loves me. Lonely as I am, together we cry.
You may have heard the expression "there's a lot of water under the bridge." It's one of my favorites, and not just because it has a lot of meaning in my life, but...it's just such a fantastic metaphor.
When you build a bridge fresh, you don't really even think about the rise and fall of the water level. It's almost like you start by throwing something as simple as a rope across a canyon. The bridge you build, the materials you put into it, whether you invest in wood or steel, those are your choices, that is your effort.
However, you have to account for the outside world. You have to account for the unaccountable, the forces of nature. The rain. After a while, things collect. Relationships with people grow, piece by piece, like a river is made up of drops of water. The longer the connection exists, the more water there is under the bridge.
And if the water gets too high, and the bridge isn't strong enough, it might get swept away. It's not so much burning a bridge as letting it get caught in the current. Letting go.
There's a delicate balance between the strength of the bridge and what's under it.
If you want to weather out the storms, build strong bridges.
The stuff that collects under the bridge? That's life. Life collects, it layers upon itself, it gets complicated, it builds up, it has power to move and shake. It's the little things that happen every day, the little bits and pieces that collect to make you who you are, collect to form your ideas and impressions.
Needless to say, this blog has seen me through a hell of a lot. It's almost been a year and a half now, and it has been a tumultuous time at that. I have changed a lot since we began this journey together.
The question you always have to ask when you change (or at least, the one that I always do) is whether or not I'm happy with that change. Believe me, there have been times where I've been walking idly somewhere and literally or figuratively stopped in my tracks to evaluate what I'm doing. And particularly in the past week and a half, this has come up.
I decided that I needed to evaluate my life.
I had a really comforting conversation with my father earlier today that put me a little bit at ease. I've been doing a lot of doubting and worrying lately, but I've been keeping it all to myself, and finally putting it out there to someone who re-affirmed my faith in everything was comforting.
Every once in a while, this happens. And then I come to my senses and realize that worrying doesn't solve anything.
At the same time, though I am at ease with at least the facet of my life that is my future and my fate, there is the now to deal with. And the now is slightly more complicated.
I'm not even really going to go into it right now. There are a lot of different things that contribute to it. I kind of just need to pause for a moment to think.
I think I'm in a good place personally. So time out real quick, life. Give me a second to catch up with you.
I just need a minute to handle everything that's under the bridge.
Sometimes, you lah dee dah through your life without paying attention to recording or writing anything down.
Except it's not so much lah-dee-dahing as a mad, scrambled, shitshow of a dash through life without having time to exercise (except life is enough exercise anyway), without pulling clean, warm clothes out of the dryer (and reduced to wearing things you haven't worn in years), without watching television (and resentfully hearing all about the episodes of Grey's that you missed) and without having time to sleep for more than about 5 hours a night (and blearily seeing the vaguely purple and puffy results under your eyes in the morning)...for about a month.
But what's worst of all? Not putting on water to boil, inhaling the scent of browning onions, buttering a cupcake tin, cracking an egg...not even turning on the stove. For about two weeks.
Maybe I'm being a little hyperbolic, but it has been kinda like that. It's not too far from the truth.
Honestly, it's a bit much to ask for me to catch you all (the few of you who keep up with me) up on this whirlwind of activity.
And believe me, a lot has changed since we last talked.
Things were really, really good.
And then I looked around, and it was April. And it's not that things aren't good now, because they are. But there's something off. At least for the past few days.
I'll develop more on that when I know exactly what's going on and I pinpoint it. Until then, I guess I'll digress.
Today, on another note, was nice. Every once in a while I get these spurts and bouts of extreme productivity.
As opposed to the previous whirlwind of activity, the bad whirlwind, where the world was whirling me around... this was a good whirlwind, my own personal self-made whirlwind. Visualize a Tazmanian devil type deal.
I cleaned the house, did my laundry, did the dishes, and cleaned my room.
I then went to get coffee, got groceries, and walked home the long way through the medical area of campus. I had forgotten my iPod, which I was initially irritated about, but it was actually really nice just taking in all of the sounds around me. It's funny how much you miss when you're tuning out the world.
If that wasn't enough, I went to the bookstore, picked up 18 Sharpies, made my way to the fourth floor and took a few hours to finish my homework for Friday so I am worry free for Coachella. I organized my life and sent out some emails. I left as I felt the hunger rumble my tummy and walked towards the rosy-cheeked sunset, feeling the chill of the night approach me. It was a really nice, peaceful moment.
And as the winds died down, I nested into the couch, grabbed the vans I've been working on and settled down for a nice session of giving into my creativity, something I've only been able to do on the edge of my notes recently.
I think I just need to get back to doing stuff like this more often, and this nagging doubt that's been growing in the back of my mind will go away. Focus on the day-to-day and personal details.
'Cause sometimes when you get caught up in the big stuff, you get stuck.
a little bit lost and
