when you gonna stop breaking my heart?

Today I am in a really good mood for no apparent reason.

I haven't been like this for a while. It's so good to be back. I almost feel like I was asleep for a little bit there, like I was going through life with my eyes half open.

And now it's the kind of thing where you're walking down the street and the smile just spreads its way over your face, its tendrils creeping across until it's firmly stuck on and you can't wipe it off. When you get the champagne bubble feeling in your stomach that's just pure...happy.



I am also re-discovering my loves for good music, good tequila, and good coffee.



I love conversations that spark big epiphanies about yourself, or about things in your life. It's like the jiggling around in the keyhole your brain needs for everything to click into place.

Click.

I realized why I enjoy the company of gay men so much. Not that I didn't know that it was because they are fabulous and fun and so much more in tune with my way of thinking than straight men are. But after yesterday's intense four hour conversation about sexuality and male-female dynamics, and going on a tirade about the sexualization of women, I realized something.

Even when you're with women, there's this competitive undercurrent in everything. It's almost worse than with men (which is why, typically, I don't really get along with women or care for their company. Except for my besties, but they're diamonds in the rough and I'm sure they know that too.)



And I went into a lot of detail with this in said tirade, but with men, sex is always between you. Always. I don't care what you say, you may be the most platonic of friends, blah blah blah but it's biologically, subconsciously...built into your bones and chemistry. It creates a really difficult power dynamic (which, I will admit, goes both ways). In any case, there's really no way to have a bare-bones situation that takes sex out of the equation.

But what I love? Gays don't sexualize me. The awkward sex-charged dynamic is completely out of the picture. We aren't even competing over the same thing, oddly, even though we may both turn our heads when a good looking guy walks past us.

We typically then turn to each other and burst out laughing.



I also had a really big epiphany about myself, and relationships, and the way I handle them. I'm not going to talk about all of it here, because a lot of it is stuff that would just sound weird written down. I'll do my best to summarize.

I have really weird ideas about things. Life, people, sexuality, sex, thought processes, the world around us. And my ideas I have about relationships are pretty weird too. I hate titles, and I hate labels, and I know that sounds so pretentious and is such a typical thing to say but it's true. For me, a relationship is about that commitment without needing the tie.

I hate exclusivity. And that's not because I'm a slut. I'm actually one of the more sexually conservative people I know. I hate exclusivity because it creates a false obligation. The true obligation, or truth of the matter, is that you should be opting not to be with other people because you want to be with that person. There is a natural exclusivity that our false exclusivity corrupts and eats away at.



And you can call me crazy, but really, it works for me and makes sense to me. In my past involvements (I am going to call them that because I have to call them something) I've been able to go to a party, or a dance, or whatever, and dance and talk to other people but not for one second think about being with them like that because I am that committed to the other person, and I don't need false obligation to keep me there. I don't need that string, I don't need to be kept on a leash, and I think it's silly that the thing that inevitably destroys so many relationships, this false obligation, is something that we make mandatory right from the start. That's what being involved with someone is about.

If you are secure in yourself and your relationship, and secure in the fact that if the other person feels the same way they will meet you halfway and be with you and if they don't they won't and oh well, and you don't need that extra string. That is the mark of someone having true confidence, in themselves and their partner, not needing that extra socially constructed reassurance.

Try falling without safety nets. It's scary as hell, but the rush is irreplaceable.


So my idea of commitment is a little unconventional. As are a lot of my other ideas about intimacy and romance. My point is, though, that I have a lot of shit figured out about myself, and I am very comfortable with this area of my life.

I'm tired of the game. I really am. Sure, it's fun to play, but I feel like I'm ahead of it. I'm trying to find someone who's figured it out the same way I have. Not to be with necessarily...just to be at the very least a little comforted that at some point there is hope of finding someone who gets it.

I've come to accept that part of me will always want a relationship out of my life, as I think everybody does. Having that level of knowledge about another human being is beautiful and rare, and everyone wants that. But at the same time, part of me will always want to be single, to work on the relationship I'm building with myself.


Honestly, if you ask me, you will get a different answer every day depending on how I'm feeling. And that's okay. I'm just taking what I can get and trying to make lemonade out of these lemons, adding my sugar and seeing what I can do. I'm dealing with it. Taking it day by day. And I'm focusing more energy on my personal development.

I basically just ranted forever to tell you that I don't even know what I want, or really what I'm doing. But my big epiphany was figuring out where I want to go and how I'm going to keep things shipshape in the meantime.

I hope that all of this made some sort of sense.

---

Frank-

I've been following PostSecret for years and have never seen one of my secrets posted. But something happened a few days ago that was much cooler.

I opened your latest PostSecret book at Barnes & Noble and read that secret on page 5 about the note found on the plane. I was shocked to realize that I had written the note a couple years ago.

I had left the note on the airplane in hopes that I could wake somebody up from the trance we get stuck in everyday and realize what is really important.

I hope he and his new wife are very happy together.

-Minneapolis

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I still have some faith left in real love. And I don't think I'll ever really let go.

Maybe it makes me stupid, but I'd rather be a fool.