I was about forty-five minutes early for my train out of Solana Beach last night. It was the last train to LA. I sat on a very wedge-y uncomfortable bench, next to my duffel, watching the moths nervously as they batted their wings about in a stupid haphazard race, the end being to bang their heads against the shitty flourescent lights...in an almost sisyphian manner.
And as I sat there, I put in my earbuds and played some Augustana. All alone on the endless platform, waiting for the last train out.
It was almost painfully poetic, and painfully cliché.
And as I sat there, people began to join me on the platform, descending the elevators, down the stairs. A couple with their shopping bags, a middle-aged man with no luggage at all, a dreadlocked man with a backpack. As they trickled down I couldn't help but think what an odd group they were. An older woman, dressed in glamorous black furs, was the last to step onto the platform, the feather on her little beaded hat bobbing as she went.
The lights grew in the distance. The train conductor, instead of the usual blaring, obnoxiously long-winded honk, gave a friendly little beep of the horn, almost like a friend's car pulling forward to pick you up. The alternating flish-flash of the lights was almost comical, as though the train was cheekily winking at its waiting passengers. The light enveloped everyone on the platform as the train gently pushed the hot summer air across our faces.
And as I looked at the motley crew around me, I noticed they all wore different expressions. The feather, whisked back, revealed a wan, tired look. The dreadlocks nodded as the man checked his tickets, unfazed, as though he had done this thousands of times before. The man with no luggage looked nervous, almost hapless. The couple looked at each other.
I looked to the train with a smile, amused for no real reason at all. I looked at it with hope, almost with relief.
My train was here. Carrying me off, somewhere new.
I'm halfway done with college, and that statement alone is somewhat frightening and somewhat empowering. I'm half way done with what will probably be remembered, at least to me, as simultaneously some of the best and worst times of my life. I've hit high peaks and low lows, which I think just comes with the fact that this is a time of change. We are all changing, right now, discovering. We're all coming together.
Looking at the people I know, the people I've known for the past two years, the people I've seen through the transformation, I can see them changing. I know what has changed about them.
For me, I can't really pinpoint anything. I know I'm different, I just...don't really know how to explain it. Besides, I feel like I change a little bit every day, every day changes who you are just a little. I take some steps to the right, some to the left, some forward, some back. The sum total of all those steps in and out of different directions is the sum total of who you end up being.
One thing that I do know is that I have made mistakes. Big ones. I also know that at times, I have made really good decisions. I don't regret any of the blunders, and I'm proud of the times when I made the right choices.
I've also had great failures and successes. I have become more acquainted with failure than I thought I ever would. I also had great success, and I am grateful for the people who helped me get there. I've also learned that a lot of people won't recognize anything you do as a success, even if it means something to you -- it's a matter of mismatched perspectives and priorities. I've also learned not to let anyone make you less proud of your accomplishments than you think you should be. You should never let anyone make you think that something you think was worth it, wasn't.
With that said, I think the sum total of being happy with yourself is trusting yourself. Understanding that you will fuck up, but it's okay if you do.
So now we're just doing a lot of addition, and I've been blathering a lot about sum totals and parts and whatnot without making my point.
So what makes up a person? I know I've talked about this a lot. Obviously I clearly think that the personal journey a person takes is extremely important--and at the end of your life, really all you're going to be left with is yourself, and how you feel about yourself. I've spent all this time talking about self-satisfaction and being sure-footed, no matter what kinds of crazy things that path may bring.
But like I always say, life is better with someone riding shotgun.
The people you put in your life, the people who are riding shotgun...those are the ones with the
Basically, I've come to realize, perhaps more recently than not, that a large part of life...I'll dare say even most of life, for me, is really made by the people in it. The people who surround me. So many people have shaped my experience, and I have met so many wonderful, inspiring souls thus far. I know I will continue to in the future as well.
I know that this summer, as I'm looking towards my next plane or train with hope, as they launch me in the direction of new adventures and life changing experiences, the ones I love will be in my heart. And that will hold true forever. I know I don't say it enough, and that sometimes it seems like I take them for granted, but frankly...they're the most important part of my life.
I get by with a little help from my friends.
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