a problem

A large part of the problem (some day I may say blessing, for now I say problem) with meditation is that it is very confrontational.

You wouldn’t think so, what with all the silence and relaxation that goes into it and everything. But the simple act of sitting, focusing, and emptying your mind actually allows it to unearth a lot of thoughts, memories, and truths that you may not want to see.

Because when you relax your mind, clear it, all of the things you may have been suppressing, been too busy to process, been too busy to think about, been trying to forget, been trying to control—they come flooding to the surface.

You can’t run. You can’t hide. It’s just you and your mind. Your darkest thoughts and secrets are illuminated in almost a harsh light.

For people who, like me, sometimes insist on being in control—perhaps at the expense of the health of their general state of being—and who are currently quite troubled, meditation is at first difficult. The past few days have been something of an emotional rollercoaster. The more we practice meditation, the more I am confronted with the big issues in my life, my darkest corners, my flaws.

Not that it is necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s very good for me, and until now I don’t think I fully realized how badly I needed this. But these first few days have made me realize that seven days without talking, with nothing but eating, sleeping, and my thoughts—it’s going to change and challenge me more than I can imagine. Even now, I am reeling with hurt and emotion that I had suppressed and hidden for so long that I had forgotten it was even there. All the things that I have buried are going to surface.



I’m scared. Never before in my life have I felt this vulnerable.

But perhaps in weakness, we are strong. And the night is darkest before the dawn. Things have to get bad before they can get better. I have to hope that after these seven days, I will have been to hell and back, will have questioned who I am, will have shattered all of my misconceptions and illusions and will have found some answers. Or, if not, at least begin to patch up some of the cracks. Hopefully I won’t lose my mind.

My tea has steeped too long. It’s bitter and cold.

I am emptying my cup.