'cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be

"you must have a place to which you can go in your heart, your mind, or your house, almost everyday, where you do not owe anyone and where no one owes you--a place that simply allows for the blossoming of something new and promising."

I'd say this space is that place for me. it is a forgiving place, a place where I can be patient with myself and my thoughts, sort them out by making them some sort of sensible.

it's amazing what a difference a cup of hot liquid in your hands can make on a walk through the cold dark. it makes the night so much friendlier if you are armed with a steaming weapon of warmth. I hold it abreast of me like a torch, like my staff that parts the cold air to let me pass.

the past few days have been beautiful. the bold colors and smells of winter are coming, and the warm, fuzzy feeling of christmas. honestly, winter sucks once christmas goes by, but until then, life has a cinnamon spice shine to it.

the heat in our house works, so I can attempt to actually appreciate this weather. the chill isn't going to bite my bones and make it a battle to get out of bed every morning. fall is never my season, but in spite of everything, I am remarkably at ease and content.

and somehow, the pieces fall into place.

overlap.

I search your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort where we overlap

and I build each one of my songs out of glass
so you could see me inside of them, I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me in the background, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

and I, I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

I just want you to come here

the more we think, the less we know

Sometime, somewhere, when you're walking down the street, down to the beach, or in the park, just stop for a second. Just take a minute, pop those earbuds out, and listen. Just listen. Tune in to the world. See the colors, see the shapes. Feel the breeze on your face, the warmth of the sun on your skin. Take a minute to appreciate.

Every year, we get an entire day to just appreciate. There's a lot to be thankful for. I think that it's sort of silly though...I mean, why should we just need one day to be thankful for what we have? It's kind of like Valentine's Day. Why should you only take one day to celebrate the one you love?

Anyways, like I said, there's a lot to be thankful for, and I guess Thanksgiving is a helpful reminder, just in case you forget.






I give in to a lot of my impulses. Basically, I need a concrete goal, or something substantial, in order to accomplish something. I'm pretty good at keeping resolutions, or working towards long term goals (with some determination, at least). So I'm going to make a resolution, resolve to do something.

I have always wanted to be a marine biologist. Ever since I was about 7 years old and watched a Discovery Channel show on aquanauts, I wanted to be one of that elite class of scientists exploring the vast, unknown frontier of the ocean.

I got to school, and I got overwhelmed. I couldn't see the light at the end of that tunnel. I am also better at other things, and passionate about other things. There will always be a fraction of me that will want to be an aquanaut, but it is not the only road that can lead me to happiness.

I feel like a lot of college is doing things you don't like. You have to take those horrifying general ed classes to actually learn about things that interest you, and you always have to do your time doing things you hate to get to the things you love.

I think this applies to life, too. You'll always have to do things that you don't like. Life isn't all roses and sunshine. So if you're doing time doing things you don't like to do, you have to make sure that in some realm of your life, you're doing things that keep you at peace with yourself and with your life. You have to make sure that at some point in your day, you like what you're doing. Otherwise, what's the point?

I think the solution to my feeling lost is to get back to the essentials, to make sure that I make time for the things that I love.

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world

Every time I post on Sunday I'm going to use secrets as my pictures. Just a heads up.



I got this idea from...somewhere, I don't remember, but today I wrote a letter to myself. I'm planning on stashing it (or saving it on a disk?) somewhere for a later date, just so I can see how I have changed. Writing it made me realize a lot of things.

One, that I assume that my future self will be a lot more composed, a lot more self-assured, and a lot wiser. Which may be true. But it makes me wonder if I really will have it all together, and if I'd even want to. As much as I hate the big question mark of life, there's something thrilling about that fear of the unknown. It's scary, but you dive in at the deep end anyway.

Two, that thinking about my future self got me thinking about a lot of things. About living in different cities, and making new sets of friends. I've done it countless times given the amount that I've moved, but I still get butterflies thinking about it. About meeting someone I think I could marry and spend the rest of my life with. About having a career, whether my hobbies will change. If I'll ever get to the point where I'm bored with my life, bored with the making bologna sandwiches, writing my childrens' names on paper bags and bored with making love to someone I used to be crazy about.


Three, that this seems far away, but it's not. What scares me half to death isn't the unknown, but how soon that unknown is going to be known.


I think we tend to assume that people are similar to us. It just makes sense. Our natures are the ones we know best, so we tend to project that onto other people. We assume that we must at least have something in common.

My point is, (and this has frequently been my point before) that we can never know. We can never know the truth about people, particularly because they are always changing. I'm writing my research paper on the foundational assumption that we assume, and that people have this image of us that may not always be true to who we are.

In the words of one of the greatest sources of wisdom in my life, Ani:

“It seems that different people have an idea of what I am, and what I should be. And then there's me.”


So this is just a reminder, personal and otherwise. You can put labels on people, but make sure they're the peel-offable, re-stickable kind.

“I've been a long time coming, and I'll be a long time gone. you've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long.”

slow down you crazy child,
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
it's all right,
you can afford to lose a day or two...

from the house down the road, from real love

One of my favorite things about myself is my ability to blend with others. I am a multi-faceted person, and depending on the person I am with, I let different sides of my personality shine. Some people bring out the playful Lynne, some bring out the spontaneous, crazy Lynne, some bring out the very chill, down-to-earth Lynne. I'm like a little semi-transparent color circle trying to find buddies to overlap with, trying to see if we can make a new color that I like. Finding new, exciting colors makes me happy.



Like all things, however, good qualities can also be seen as bad ones. Being driven can mean that you are stubborn, being too kind can mean that you're walked all over. And for me, my malleability forces me to really have to watch myself. Because once I get intimate with someone, once I get close to someone, I have to be careful to keep some of my color in my circle. It especially happens with those irksome complimentary colors, those dreaded opposites. I bleed into them and all we get is a mucky, ugly brown. Sometimes the intersection grows, and I only have a sliver of my original color left for myself. I get lost in the mixing process.


So scratch what I said before. I don't have edges. Not even fuzzy ones.

I have walls, and once they're knocked down, I have to contain my color in my arms. I can normally do this, but sometimes it escapes, swirls out, glides through my fingers. My tendency to dive into other people does not help. Nor does the fact that I am in a period of change. In these times of change, of revolution, slight nudges can knock me onto the floor, and it is a dangerous dance for me to make sure that I don't bleed out. Sometimes I have to take a step back.

I'm working on it. I'm okay. This epiphany just reiterates to me that I have to remember to keep some perspective. New colors are exciting, but you have to remember what you started with, where you came from.

I have to learn, despite the fantastic, festive dance and play of colors in my life, to keep my hue pure. To stay true to my original shades.

Sometimes words aren't good enough.

I searched for hours and hours. but only found more shoes. more points of view. as if I knew.

I was all alone in a big, empty house. I was feeling trapped, stifled, and overwhelmed, so I went for a walk outside. the fresh air helped a little, but I turned around when the street stopped being lit. I wasn't sure I was in a mental state of mind to tackle the dark walk down to the beach alone.




I got back to my house, back to my room. I felt a wave of emotion coming over me again, so I decided to put on some music and just lay down on the floor. I started to stretch, and went into a few yoga positions from my yoga-intensive heyday. I pulled myself into a full lotus, closed my eyes, and all of my anxiety went away. I concentrated on lengthening my spine, on lengthening my body. I spent a lot of time focusing on each part of my body, feeling its presence - each of my fingertips, my eyebrows, the flat of my hand, my toes, my neck. I felt my consciousness focus on each of them. most of the time you don't recognize that they are there, but they are, and they are all a part of what makes your whole. it was very calming, and reassuring.

quanto alto posso volare?

hmm hmm hmm hmm.

and now I am okay. the pillow I'm using smells like smoke, and it brings a smile to my face. I have stretched my body. I am stretching my mind. I have restored perspective.

I was worried for a minute there, but everything is fine.

grateful to be what life expects me to be

here I stand
at the crossroads of life

childhood behind me, the future to come
and alone

nothing planned at the crossroads of life
but life will find me more grateful than some