are you there? or are you just a decoy dream?

I think trains are my preferred method of transport. At least on a train you can look out and see a changing scene. Though yesterday on my flight from Philadelphia to Los Angeles the clouds were absolutely stunning, and I was looking out the window for most of the flight (the sun also ended up setting in the northeast, and if that's not a mindfuck, I don't know what is.)

I wonder why we trust planes. I mean, really, when you think about it, it's just a little tin bucket that we launch into the sky. Maybe this is my unreasonable discomfort with heights and physics, but I feel kind of crazy every time I take a plane. I feel like I'm just in my little seat, being rocketed around the world, and something about it is absurd for me. Of course, I know they're safe, but...I'm just weird.

I'm not really afraid of heights, per se. I used to be, but after rock climbing camp for several years it sort of became an adrenaline rush. I kind of like the fear now. Skydiving was amazing because I was scared shitless, but I did it anyway and the fear was such a rush. I know, I'm twisted.


Also, on a train, you can't really lose your luggage. Fuck United.


I love being home. I couldn't stop grinning when the blanket of lights appeared on the ground below the plane. I took a really long bubble bath and burned almost an entire bag of incense. I can feel my skin and scalp coming back to life (travel and excessive humidity putting them through hell for the last month). It's like a piece of me was missing, and it's back. I am complete again. At least, for a little while.

And now I am off again to San Diego! I may even end up staying until Saturday. And then I am jetsetting again. Quite the life, this. Next summer will be a very static one, however. I guess I should enjoy this while I can.

soulmates and snapshots

I have this theory on soulmates.

I think you meet many people in the course of your life whose souls fit with yours. But the way I think of a soulmate isn't the one person you're going to be with for the rest of your life. I think a soulmate's express purpose it to come into your life and change it, and you, somehow. They're the people who kind of turn your life upside down, or at least in another direction. You may only be with them for a short period of time, or you may not have a chance to be with them at all, but they spark an epiphany, change your outlook. You could have seen yourself with them forever, but sometimes it's just not meant to be. You met at the wrong juncture in your lives. The eventual hope is that the person you end up with is a soulmate, and they just happen to stick around.

I am also experimentally entertaining a notion that things happen for a reason.

Not sure where that came from, but those are my thoughts.



I went to the actual Warsaw uprising museum today, and was touched. It was one of the best displays I've ever seen at a museum and it was really fascinating. It was, however, sobering. It will never make sense to me that people can possibly do such hateful things to one another. I see it in my own fearsome grand-aunt, who "hates Jews." But how can you hate an entire group of people based on something like that? It just doesn't make sense.

Where is the freakin love, people?



So, my snapshot. For me, songs are better than anything at defining certain moments in my life. These songs define where I am, now.

Vision of Heaven (Bloc Party) [sort of the defining song of this trip]
Sunworshipper (Mylo) [so I took off on my bicycle...]
This Is The First Day of My Life (Bright Eyes) [this is modern love]
Chicago (Sufjan Stevens) [perfect for metro rides home]
Surfacing (Belle) [makes me feel new, and beautiful]
Fiore (Biagio Antonacci) [walking through the old city]
Round Here (Counting Crows) [defining of current relationships]
Personal (Stars) [sad beauty of rejection]
Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers) [will forever define home]
I'm Good I'm Gone (Lykke Li) [auditory courage]
Dreaming (Bassboosa) [summer love]
Ion Square (JBLDBMY Version) (Bloc Party) [sheer genius]
Everything (Michael Buble) [impossible to be sad while listening]
Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight (Amos Lee) [healthy perspective]
Waiting for the 7.18 (Bloc Party) [nostalgia and seizing the day]
Hypnotized (Ani DiFranco) [solace in a stranger]

<3

this is the first day of my life

Usually I make writing here a priority, but I've been occupied with recovering from the weekend and with dawdling. And by dawdling, I mean it in every sense of the word, and in every aspect of my life.

Where did the month go? When you accept the passage of time and just live, it really does pass much too quickly.

In exactly 29 hours I will be leaving the flat that I have called my home for the last month to begin my twenty-something hour trip home. Starting to pack has gotten me really excited about coming back and traveling again. Home feels far away now, as though it was a very long time ago. It wasn't that much time at all, but it feels like a long time. At the same time, it passed almost instantly. In my head, I got here yesterday. Physically, this place feels familiar and I'm settled. Time is so foreign a concept to me, and I can never quite grasp it, or come to terms with it.

Enough heaviness!


I have been having very strange dreams of late, and I have consistently been remembering them. Many involve me fighting with my father, and many don't make very much sense at all. In one, I was a green bird living in an upside down coconut that was perched on the thorns of a cactus. In another one, a David Beckham look-alike brought me into the principal's office. He was ignoring my pointed attempts to pass him in the pool and I got really angry and latched onto his arm and refused to let go. I basically had a trial and had to defend myself (which I did, eloquently, in a very nice pinstriped suit).

Confused? Me too.

Today I went to my favorite park with lunch from my favorite bakery cafe and sat on my favorite bench. I spent the afternoon eating, sitting, and picking some of the teeny tiny daisies that grow there. It was a lovely way to spend one of my last days here.

Coming soon: I am putting together a snapshot.

Goodbye Poland! It was a good month.

It'll be good to be back, LA. I've missed you.

players only love you when they're playing

These people who hand out flyers on every street corner here would never survive in America. I got one handed to me today advertising a new way to get rid of cellulite. I don't take it personally (they hand them to every woman they see), but if they handed this to pretty much any other girl I know they'd probably get punched in the face.

Oh, and newsflash to me, I apparently missed Coldplay in LA. What?!? Why did nobody inform me they were coming BEFORE I decided to be thousands of miles away? I am perpetually in the wrong place at the wrong time. Case in point:


I finally found a good little fruits and veggie stand. I haven't been eating much else since. It's all really fresh, still got the dirt on it, big fat juicy red bell pepper sweet cherry fuzzy peach type of stuff and I am in heaven. Plus I have always had a serious obsession with grapefruits and the ones here are the fresh loose-peel kind that you can just eat like an orange (LOVE).

Okay, I promised to stop talking about food. Sorry. Zach messaged me the other day, however, talking about $6 glazed duck and it reminded me that I DO have a fellow enthusiast out there. I was not entirely delusional. I will keep my food thoughts in my correspondence with him. He is living in New York for the moment, which is always exciting because now when I visit I will know exactly where to eat.

Here, I am definitely "that girl." The one who just does not compute. Being in a country where you don't fit in at all and don't speak the language is definitely a really humbling experience. You become really okay with being stared at like you're a crazy person and looking (but mostly sounding) like a damn fool.

So let's talk about what really happened over the past few days. That's right, Krakow.


Thank god I made it out alive.

No, seriously. Because guess what?

THUNDERSTORMS KILL PEOPLE.

Six dead, 31 injured. I was woken up several times that night, not by the thunder (which comes after) but by the lightning, because it was so blinding that it actually broke through my sleep and woke me up, and I, in my half-asleep-ness, being really confused, got the living shit scared out of me by the thunder two seconds later. It was an absolute deluge.


But during the day, could we be blessed with such a thing? No. It was hot. Unbearably hot. 38 degress Celsius hot.


But apart from that, Krakow is beautiful. Pictures describe more than words, really. The experience was defined by a lot of gothic architecture, mojitos, strawberry ice cream, and snatches of classical music, old reggae, and expired pop. I still haven't decided which part was my favorite.



Being such a Catholic city, being housed with my Catholic relatives--by far the most terrifying being my fiercely Catholic grand aunt (or some such grand-relative, I was fuzzy on details)--and going into pretty much every church in the entire city just drove home the whole religious question for me. It doesn't help that the book I am reading right now (The Spider's House by Paul Bowles) is also addressing my thoughts and it's kinda like...okay, I get the point. Life is assailing me with it. I have no more conclusions for the moment, however.





By the end of my visit, I basically felt like I would die if I ate any more or walked any further (a good place to be).

It's been a great month, but I am definitely ready to come home.

see you in a few days

I'm gonna keep this short.



Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The very, very wrong side. Not only had I fallen off (don't you see why the expression is great?) I was also just in a really shitty mood (for the first time on this trip, really). It was one of those mornings where you don't really have a reason to be in a crappy mood, but you just are, and every little thing makes it worse.

Due to the absence of food in the house, I stopped on my way to work and picked up a franczuskie. With strawberries. And until now, when I order things, there are generally a few hang ups. But this time, no. I used my newly aquired vocabulary word (to go), I gave her exact change when she asked for it, and I even asked if they had the ones with apples today (they didn't, but I was undeterred). Everything went smoothly. No deer in the headlights moments, no giant question mark on my face moments, none of that.

I got to work and I heated it up in the microwave, figured out how to use the actually, pretty complicated coffee machine and made myself a latte. I sat down at my desk, opened my Outlook, and started looking through my emails. I stopped and smiled.





Honestly, people, this is it. This is all you get. So do what makes you happy. For me, it may be walking around strange cities, taking pictures, and ordering food in new languages. For you, it may be reading, running, riding bulls, rocky road ice cream, ritz crackers. It can be simple, it can be complicated. Just make sure you get out there and do it. Because frankly...what else matters?

<3

na wynos

My body is forgiving, regarding the abuse I did it yesterday. I compromised and took one for the team today with a nice salad for lunch. Okay, maybe I pushed it back 'til dinner. Can you say no to prosciutto and brie? I thought so.

I finish work tomorrow (and this time it's for reals.) I think I'm pretty ready to leave--as much as I like it it'll be nice to have real holidays now and just laze about. The past few weeks have been weird, because I'm caught between cross-firing neural messages that simultaneously say I'm on vacation and that I have to bust my ass. The result is me busting my ass for a few hours and then throwing up my hands and leaving. (At least I'm productive enough in my few-hour-window that I get everything done regardless). Today, for example, I ditched early and went shopping. Good decision? I agree.

When I traveled as a kid, our trips were really structured. We had to go to this museum, that museum, blah blah blah this square this park this opera this ceremony this monument this bridge and my head wants to explode just thinking about how planned out it was. It wasn't all bad, but when you're a kid, you're not interested in looking at paintings. You want to play with the pigeons in the square and eat ice cream. As a kid you have a limited appreciation for certain things (but I'd like to think you appreciate the right ones).


At any rate, I think all of the (literally) being dragged through every museum as a child changed the way I'm spending my time here. I just kind of whimsically walk...wherever. If something looks interesting in the distance, I go there. These walks end up occupying entire afternoons sometimes because I get pretty lost and or far from my starting point, but it's nice, because this way I see what's happening now rather than what did. Of course history is important (especially in this city) and it's nice to see stuff like that from time to time, but I like moseying about poking my nose into everyday life, too.

Street photography is for the truly brazen. It takes a certain stealth and ballsy-ness that I can only muster up on occasion. Another work in progress.

heartbreak make me a dancer

A double-post day! Aren't you just fabulously lucky? Really, though, all of this spewing has to happen before I leave for Krakow on Thursday and I am without blog for two whole days.

So my coffee turned into a full fledged hunt for best dessert. I spent the afternoon in every bakery and cafe in the old city (and trust me, there are more than enough of them) looking for a tantalizing meal-finisher. I got a very cute, cheeky sandwich with delicate thin slices of roast beef and pickle. I generally hate pickes, but it was just enough to give it a lovely light crunchiness. I also found lunch places for the next week and a half, at least.

Strolling down Nowy Swiat, I found it. With a line out the door. You can always tell a place is good when there is a line out the door. And this was no ordinary line. This was a line of Jehovah's witnesses. From Arkensaw.



Yeah, I had a big question mark over my head too.

Usually, I'm not this much of a dessert fiend, but once you mention it, there is no turning back. You would have done better not to say anything. I purchased myself a slice of lemon meringue tart. Yeah, I kinda effed it up on the metro. But isn't it pretty?
I also sniffed out the local Haagen Dazs. Say hello to the lost freshman 15! Where were you all this time? It's so nice to have you back. I should be their poster girl. I walked out of there with a heavenly concoction of chocolate midnight cookie and cookies and cream, 200% speechless and 300% happy. I didn't care how it looked when I crossed the street from the bakery to the ice cream shop. If you're in Europe and you haven't gained at least 4 pounds, you have NOT been in Europe. It just doesn't count.

As I was happily sucking on my spoon, it hit me like a ton of bricks. DUH! I have to be retarded not to have thought of this before. The stupid other blog that I made and had no use for and never deleted? It's going to be a food blog. But not just any food blog. My cooking skills are good, but I am not up to par with, say, Lottie & Doof and Smitten Kitchen. No no, this will be a log of my favorite little food haunts, fiend that I am. That way I can keep my food thoughts out of here, as, as you know, they are taking over what is supposed to be my other-stuff-blog. I will be on that, shortly.

Biggest epiphany of this trip thus far, though? Well, it's not so much an epiphany as a confirmation of what I already knew. I can travel alone. As fun as it would be having a compatriot on this trip, I'm still having a great time. I can just wander the streets of Warsaw by myself and be totally, perfectly, incandescently happy with being somewhere new. I make friends pretty quickly, so I have social outlets when I need them, but when it comes down to it...I can just bum around by myself and be content.

The box is speaking to me. I am going to retire to my tea and tart.

people talk about my image like I come in two dimensions

What is with all of the unnaturally beautiful waiters around here? Seriously. It's like it's a hiring requirement. Not that it's a bad thing. Discrimination in the workplace takes a positive turn?

Today is an absolutely beautiful day.

Yesterday, however, the weather was not so forgiving. It was one of those sleepy rainy days where you spend most of your day reading...and sleeping. And that is exactly what I did. I think part of my lethargy might have been due to Saturday's epic pilgrimage. I managed to drag myself out of bed, however, to go to lunch at a lovely homey restaurant with fantastic mushroom soup and some kind of breaded cutlet of meat with potatoes and sauerkraut. It was Poland's version of comfort food, perfect for a rainy day, and my stomach was singing praises after that one.

I swear, food is my undoing. Once my metabolism slows I'll have to replace my car with a crane. Or maybe this is a sign that my ultimate calling is food critique.


I also made it to my uncle's house for some tea, cookies, and old photo album browsing, which was probably one of my favorite things I've seen here so far. It's one thing to go to the Warsaw Uprising Museum and see the displays in the glass cases, and it's another thing entirely to hold a photo of the city burning in your hands, taken through the lens of a camera of someone who is sitting right across from you, stirring honey into her tea and airily explaining what it was like to see everything you own burnt to the ground, left with nothing but ashes at the end of it all.

I have decided that I am running the LA Marathon come next May. Why the fuck, you ask? People decide to run marathons for different reasons. Mine are fairly simple: I love running (well, really, it's a love hate thing, and hard to explain), and apart from the obvious lifestyle benefits, I want to prove to myself that I can...and I eventually want to run the Boston Marathon.

Really, you can blame Elizabeth Chait for talking me into it with all of her raving about it. And if I want to eventually get to Boston, I have to qualify. I probably won't the first time around, but this is the first step to that eventual goal.

Not to mention I'm going to be able to eat without boundaries. (Once again, back to the food.)

Many years ago, I used to strive for perfection. When I could identify something that I saw as a flaw with myself, I tried to fix it. I have had ample time to think about this; there's nothing like time away from home to help you confront your personal shortcomings. This is going to be controversial, but maybe that's what they're supposed to be. I'm not saying that this is the end of the change line, by any means. But when recently confronted about something by a friend, I realized that it was about something that I didn't want to change. It's just kind of the way I am. It may not be desireable in some circumstances, but it's the way I see things and the way I work. It could use a little improvement, but I can't just turn myself upside down. The verbal acceptance of imperfection was coming on, but it startled me.

By defining ourselves, do we limit ourselves? It's like putting yourself into two dimensions. I have faith in peoples' abilities to surprise, and I try not to put people in boxes. But who is to say that the rest of the world does the same?

Whether I feel I am ready to define myself, or should, is another can of worms in itself.

But I digress: I intend to finish early today. I plan on making it to Nowy Swiat for coffee on the terrace of my favorite cafe, accompanied by my book, to catch a healthy dose of the buttery sunshine. :)

sunday secrets

I was looking through my files, and realized that I have saved a lot of these on my computer. in line with my dear friend frank, I thought I would share some of the ones I found.

on god and gelato

I feel like I just emerged from the depths of hell.

not only did I just surface from the heart of darkness. oh no. I emerged from that deep dark place covered from the knees down in some very foul-smelling mud, copious amounts of sweat, dirt, sand, and twelve kinds of bug entrails.

because no, our little biking trip wasn't on a paved road. ha! what's asphalt? no, it was through the forest. a very legitimate one.

okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad. perhaps my hyperbolic tendencies and my love that book are getting the better of me here. it was definitely rough though. it wasn't 36 kilometers, it was closer to 45. it was devastatingly hot. I ran out of water half way. it was so muddy that we had to navigate some very large (and by this I mean huge, knee deep) puddles and I fell in one (resulting in the mud coating I received). I try to look on the bright side though. maybe it was exfoliating?

our destination: the biggest topola near warsaw. what is a topola, you ask?

yeah. it's a poplar tree.

most people would wonder why I would go on such a nonsensical expedition in the first place. those who know me better would probably say "you would refuse to bike 25 feet from your house to visit someone and bike 25 miles...through a forest...to go see a tree."

but let me defend myself! first of all, I would much rather walk anywhere than bike. I love walking, even if it takes longer. on a bike you miss all the scenery (not to mention helmet hair on the very few occasions I actually wear one). the only time I bike is when I am in canada or when I am on venice beach. but on this occasion I had a chance to hang out with some very cool people.

on our merry way we stopped at a little church. it seemed like everyone had agreed to go inside. I, for one, haven't tried to converse with god in a while, but I couldn't really not go in, so I walked in, taking down my hair as I went to cover my tattoos (I know too many religious people, mostly in my own family, who see them as heathen marks to do anything else). they all immediately took a pew and kneeled. I clasped my hands and looked at the ceiling for inspiration.

what did I have to say to god?

it wasn't so much something to say as it was some pretty simple questions. if you are really a forgiving god, can you forgive people who trust in other figures because they may not know any better? there's the whole fie the nonbelievers business, and it causes so much strife in the world. say you are the right god, the one god. do you really count simple ignorance as a sin? for some, it's not that we don't want to believe. maybe we just don't know how, or know that we should. we don't know any better. are we to be punished for that?


in all seriousness, I wish I could have faith like some of the people in my life do. I wish I could take that leap...but I can't. I'm just not ready. and I just don't know...how.

I have concrete thoughts on many subjects in my little bubble of existence. certain things (though in this life I will never consider myself an expert on anything, because that will mean I have grown old) I think I have somewhat figured out. god, sadly, is not one of them.


as our trip progressed, I got tired. by the end of it, I really just kind of wanted to die (not really, but I definitely felt like I was about to. I still have a headache from being so dehydrated.) and when we arrived in leszno, what did we stop to get? yes, ice cream.

but it wasn't just ice cream. I got myself a double helping of lemon gelato. it was the kind where there's the little ice chunks around the actual! lemon zest, the smooth, refreshing, absolutely heavenly texture of gelato so tangible, so tangy! I inhaled it. it saw a grand total of about 30 seconds of the world. it didn't have a chance to even think about melting.

you can judge me for this, or you can admire how easy it is to make me happy. but I have to say it. was seeing the tree worth it? eh, not really. but the gelato...absolutely.

more contemplative ramblings than usual

lots of thoughts for today. bear with me.

but before I get in to the heavy stuff, let's start with the most important thing. I could die of contentment right now. I had the most beautiful afternoon in the city. I left work kind of early and just putzed around for a while. but this is the biggest milestone. apart from a small sauce mix up, I knew all the words, and I said them all. ogorki, cebulla, pomidory. today was the day I seized my power of language skills.

I got my kanapka, biiiitch!


I then proceeded to walk around the old city with the largest ice cream I have ever eaten in my entire life. I didn't really think about how phallic it was until it was far too late, and got a number of comments from the male population as I walked through the old city . my personal favorite was "oh wow" from a bunch of british guys, which made me laugh, and consequently get ice cream all over my face. this was followed by general whooping.

I made it to the viewing deck in a teensy little old church, I spoke italian with a really lost lady, and I bought really cute little souvenirs. all in all, a grand success of a beautiful sunny afternoon.






the pub we were at last night was packed. I'm pretty sure it must be in a lonely planet guide or something - they had english menus and most of the people at the bar were speaking english. at any rate, we shared our table with the most fabulous old couple and their nephew. they were so fun! they initally came up to me and said something in polish, and I replied with my rough version of 'I speak english.' they switched instantly! it was quite startling. very nice people. I love old couples. they give me faith in relationships and perennial love and all that. maybe I just got all mushy because of the mojitos, but they were really cute. we drank together and they smoked cigars and it was just all very festive.

ani's "out of habit" is stuck in my head today. 'and the coffee is just water dressed in brown...' god I love her. such raw talent. her music just so perfectly wraps up the feeling of certain moments. I am determined to see her perform at some point.

dominika said something interesting to me yesterday. she said that 'even though warsaw is my city, I feel like every city I go to is my city, or could be if I stayed there long enough.'

which brings me to anonymity--told you I would get back to it. it's like being part of the world, but not part of the world in the sense of your niche, and the things that define you and make you different. it's not about the specific relationships you have and the people you know. it's not about being recognized on the street, having tons of friends (or any at all, for that matter). you're part of the world in the sense that you're here with all of these people, and you're just a little droplet of water in the ocean. I'm always happier in bigger cities because even though you may be walking down the street and you're surrounded by strangers, whatever your social or life situation, you really get a sense that you aren't alone. I'm in a foreign city, in a foreign country, and I know maybe 20 people out of 2 million. even simple eye contact in the street...it just reminds you that 'you'll never walk alone,' and even if you are alone, you aren't...really.

"and out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone..."

I'm not capturing this well at all. damn it.

I generally ask a certain set of questions to people to get to know them better, and the same holds for people I meet here. my findings are that people don't really seem to like it here a lot of the time. when I ask if they'd want to live anywhere else, they find it inconceivable. it's a complex. the poles are caught somewhere between intense self-loathing, fierce nationalism, cynicism, conflict between past and future, and a je ne sais quoi. it is quite intriguing.

bartek is quite opinionated. I don't know how I feel about that. isn't the point of being our age the fact that we haven't really formed such solid opinions yet? I'm not saying that I don't have opinions, but I don't flout them unless I'm asked about them and I will always listen to someone else's argument no matter how ridiculous I might think it'll be. I think people always have the potential to say something that will open your mind to something you never even thought about before. we are young (heartache to heartache we stand...) and I feel like we shouldn't be so crochety and set in our ways at our age. we're university students though, so I guess this is when opinions start to take shape and we are all fiercely convinced we are right. maybe I'm just not opinionated enough. but I guess my stating my opinion on it means I'm opinionated, too. *sigh* opinion is a dangerous thing. (and now that word is starting to not look like a word because I used it so much.)

even though everyone here speaks english, none of them have complete mastery of the language. they're missing the sense of it, the soul of it. you can never get that, past a certain age. it's like unlocking the door to a beautiful secret. a secret garden. without knowing the soul of a language, all you get is a peek or two inside.

that's more than enough for one day, I think.